Living life without parents

I am 52 years old, and both of my parents are still on this earth. I know several people a decade younger than me who have lost at least one parent already.

Last week, one of my friends endured the loss of her mother. She is 62, her mother was 95. Her mother was a widow for over 30 years. Up until a couple of months ago, my friend's mother still lived on her owned. During the past year, she needed more assistance with chores and errands, but she still maintain much of her independence. The down turn was sudden and severe. A blood infection which essentially went un-diagnosed for a few weeks. Her mother went into the hospital, rehab and back to the hospital over the course of 3 or 4 weeks. She never got to go back home.

A couple of weeks ago, one of my cousins had to get rushed to the hospital. She is 86. She and my Dad grew up together and have been friends their entire lives. She has lived in the same community her whole life. Like my friend's Mom who I mentioned earlier, my elder cousin has been a widow for about three decades also. She was diagnosed with a blood clot and urinary track infection (both of which went too long before she was admitted to the hospital). She is now in rehab. Her daughter, my cousin who is four years older than me, says her Mom doesn't want to come back home. Her attitude is one that has given up.

Both my friend and my younger cousin have had their mothers in their lives for a long time. They have been without their fathers much of their adult lives. They both saw a lot of their mothers. Visited often, called often, were their companion on many occasions.

I bring this up because of the stark difference in the relationship I have with my mother. Sadly, my Mom and I have never been very close. I might talk with her a couple times a week, I may visit every couple of weeks. We never have more than five minutes of conversation at any one time. Since my Dad is still alive also, she is never alone, so the need to attach herself to me or my sister has not existed. I find myself contemplating the aloneness I will feel when she and my Dad have left this earth. Both are in their 80's. That day is getting closer and closer. How can I live with myself for not being a good daughter?