Dear Diary,
Here it is, November. Gosh, where has my year gone! Everyday, every week, every month, I have these thoughts, plans, agenda which I plan to accomplish...........and it hasn't happened.
I did make my trip to Germany (Bavaria to be precise) in May to meet my brother. When I got off the plane in Munich around 8 am, it did take almost 30 minutes to get to the baggage claim section of the airport. That was such a long 30 minutes. Yes, I was dead tired having been up for 24 hours at that point. There was no sleeping for me on the plane. Then there were the international check points to go through. Having to pass by armed guards who scrutinized your passport is not something I am used to. As I walked down the last ramp to get to the public area, there he was, Stephen, standing right there in front of me. It is hard to describe my feelings. Sure enough, it had been 32 years since I last saw him. But it more than that. He held his arms out for the biggest hug. And we started up a conversation that went non stop for ten days. We traveled, went sightseeing, visited the rest of my family members, ate too much, enjoyed ice cream every day, beer and pretzels every afternoon, wine every night and never got enough sleep. Neither one of us wanted to miss a minute.
Stephen is such a fun and funny person. And he is a wonderful father and now a grandfather, and great dog walker. He did well in his career and between that and the social systems in Germany, he got to retire at 58. He missed a lot of his usual routine and time with his family to keep my constant company for my whole trip except for the three days I spent with my Uncle Walter and cousins on that side of the family.
Uncle Walter and I both cried when we said our goodbyes because we both knew that we may never see each other again. He is about 80 years old and has a few health issues. Uncle Walter shared a lot of family stories, although his English is not so good now, and we spent hours going though old family photos. And in his possession was a photo album that appears to have been left at my Grandmother's house when Mom, Tina and I were in Germany in January 1964. He gave it to me. I could not remember ever having seeing photos of my sister when she was a baby. And picture of my Mom shortly after I was born holding me. She was 29 or 30 then but looked like a teenager. There were also letters that I had written to my Grandmother in a shoe box. One of those letters was written shortly after the deadly tornado outbreak in April 1974. I was letting the family know that we were all OK, but how close the storms were to us. And I was excited about going to a school dance. That was the only one of those letters I opened to read and it was so uncanny since it was only one and half weeks early that again, the southeastern part of our country was slammed with killer tornadoes.
My brother is 61 years old now and I surely can't wait another 32 years before I go back to visit. We have traded a few emails since I have come back home, but he is not much on writing, especially since his grasp of the English language is waning also - since he is retired, not much need for it anymore. But every one of my family member's English is better than my German which consists of less than 100 words.
I will try to visit back here before the end of the year.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Happy New Year
Dear Diary,
Well, I am a tad late. As you can see, I didn't do a good job posting thoughts in 2010. Will I do better this year? Probably not, but the year is just getting started.
For the most part, I can say my 2010 was a good year. Except for the never ending fear from one day to the next that I might be without a job, I still live it up. I got in four trips last year. One, a regular jaunt down to Gulf Shores. Went on two adventures with Dick - another visit to Annapolis/Baltimore and then to upstate New York. I joined him for his 50th high school reunion in Saugerties. Actually, I attended two school reunions this year - my own 35th. I also got away for a few days to Daytona Beach and St. Augustines. This was my third visit to St. Augustines. I really do like that old city. I still haven't seen everything historical there is to see there.
The most profound event in my life last year was the birth of my great-nephew, Everett. And I am just on the sidelines, but I try to keep up with him daily. He has had a tough first 10 months, but he is a fighter and quite the good natured trooper. I don't get to see him nearly enough, but hopefully he will grow up knowing he is so dear to me.
The other earth moving news in my life is one I have written about already - finding out that my "Uncle Stephan" is actually my older half-brother. He real name is Steven - named after his father. It turns out, when he talks with our Mom, that is what she calls him. I think it was over five months after finding out this family secret that I finally wrote to him. I explained how upset I was about not knowing, especially since he has known most of his life. How I was angry that I missed out on getting to know him since our Mom basically had no contact with him after she move to the States after marrying Dad. My brother actually thought I was being over emotional, but hey, he has had 50 years to adjust already. We have written a couple of other times already, and I have been sending him pictures of my life. He and the rest of my family in Germany have been asking my to make another trip over there. It has been since 1979 and there are so many new family members to meet in person. I would very much like to take that trip. It is just so costly. And the price of gas seems to be on the $4 a gallon route again for this year, so maybe I should have purchased that ticket a couple of months ago.
I also would like to take another road trip with Dick to Minnesota. He has a friend from his early days working in NY who lives there. They still keep in touch. I can plan us a route that will knock off another five states that I haven't been to yet. Did you know that has always been on of my goals - visit all 50 states. I have only 17 more to go. The hardest one to get to will be Alaska (at least I have Hawaii in the bag). It sure will difficult to both take a cross-country trip and fly to Germany. I just need to not shop for any clothes or jewelry for a while, but probably can't put off buying tires for too much longer. Dang it.
Well, my lunch hour is up. Back to work. I will be back again. Just don't know when.
P.S..............and we had a very white Christmas in 2010. Snowed that morning for about 4 hours. It was quite nice. Didn't cause too many problems on the road, so that was good. Funny how we (us Americans) equate cold and snow with making a Christmas special when so many people in the world always celebrate Christmas in the middle of their summer.
Well, I am a tad late. As you can see, I didn't do a good job posting thoughts in 2010. Will I do better this year? Probably not, but the year is just getting started.
For the most part, I can say my 2010 was a good year. Except for the never ending fear from one day to the next that I might be without a job, I still live it up. I got in four trips last year. One, a regular jaunt down to Gulf Shores. Went on two adventures with Dick - another visit to Annapolis/Baltimore and then to upstate New York. I joined him for his 50th high school reunion in Saugerties. Actually, I attended two school reunions this year - my own 35th. I also got away for a few days to Daytona Beach and St. Augustines. This was my third visit to St. Augustines. I really do like that old city. I still haven't seen everything historical there is to see there.
The most profound event in my life last year was the birth of my great-nephew, Everett. And I am just on the sidelines, but I try to keep up with him daily. He has had a tough first 10 months, but he is a fighter and quite the good natured trooper. I don't get to see him nearly enough, but hopefully he will grow up knowing he is so dear to me.
The other earth moving news in my life is one I have written about already - finding out that my "Uncle Stephan" is actually my older half-brother. He real name is Steven - named after his father. It turns out, when he talks with our Mom, that is what she calls him. I think it was over five months after finding out this family secret that I finally wrote to him. I explained how upset I was about not knowing, especially since he has known most of his life. How I was angry that I missed out on getting to know him since our Mom basically had no contact with him after she move to the States after marrying Dad. My brother actually thought I was being over emotional, but hey, he has had 50 years to adjust already. We have written a couple of other times already, and I have been sending him pictures of my life. He and the rest of my family in Germany have been asking my to make another trip over there. It has been since 1979 and there are so many new family members to meet in person. I would very much like to take that trip. It is just so costly. And the price of gas seems to be on the $4 a gallon route again for this year, so maybe I should have purchased that ticket a couple of months ago.
I also would like to take another road trip with Dick to Minnesota. He has a friend from his early days working in NY who lives there. They still keep in touch. I can plan us a route that will knock off another five states that I haven't been to yet. Did you know that has always been on of my goals - visit all 50 states. I have only 17 more to go. The hardest one to get to will be Alaska (at least I have Hawaii in the bag). It sure will difficult to both take a cross-country trip and fly to Germany. I just need to not shop for any clothes or jewelry for a while, but probably can't put off buying tires for too much longer. Dang it.
Well, my lunch hour is up. Back to work. I will be back again. Just don't know when.
P.S..............and we had a very white Christmas in 2010. Snowed that morning for about 4 hours. It was quite nice. Didn't cause too many problems on the road, so that was good. Funny how we (us Americans) equate cold and snow with making a Christmas special when so many people in the world always celebrate Christmas in the middle of their summer.
Monday, October 11, 2010
It has been while
Dear Diary,
That is how I used to start off in the books I used to write in when I was a teenager. Actually, I kept a diary until I got married. I really don't know why I stopped. Perhaps I felt like I lost my individuality. I no longer have most of those diaries and my marriage failed. There are of course many reasons for that, and I will be the first to admit that at some point, I simply did not care anymore to fix it. But, after all of these years, there is a piece of me that regrets not having that man by my side. We are still friends. We still write occasionally, we are facebook friends. When he got on FB, I was one of the first people he looked up. Truth be known, I checked FB on a regular basis to see if he was on there.
So why, do I still think about him? Is there something wrong with me? It's not like I think there would ever again be anything between us, but what?...........it is just silly.
That is how I used to start off in the books I used to write in when I was a teenager. Actually, I kept a diary until I got married. I really don't know why I stopped. Perhaps I felt like I lost my individuality. I no longer have most of those diaries and my marriage failed. There are of course many reasons for that, and I will be the first to admit that at some point, I simply did not care anymore to fix it. But, after all of these years, there is a piece of me that regrets not having that man by my side. We are still friends. We still write occasionally, we are facebook friends. When he got on FB, I was one of the first people he looked up. Truth be known, I checked FB on a regular basis to see if he was on there.
So why, do I still think about him? Is there something wrong with me? It's not like I think there would ever again be anything between us, but what?...........it is just silly.
Friday, February 12, 2010
When you not who you thought you were
On Wednesday, January 10, 2010, my family tree changed. Again. It happened once before 28 years ago. I am not referring to the birth of baby on these particular points in time, but the birth of babies in the distant past. One was a baby unknown to me until I was 25 years old. The other, a baby who I knew as a family member, but not as the relative he actually was.
In 1982, my Dad told me and my sister about another sister who was born in 1948. Dad married Andrea's mother, but she did not want to be married to Dad and divorced shortly after Andrea was born. Andrea's mother ask Dad not to be a part of their lives, and he agreed to the terms. But Andrea wanted to know who her Dad was, so when she was financially able to hire a private investigator, she located him. A secret for 34 years had been revealed. I keep in casual contact with her, but the relationship is sometimes very strained. We are very different people, and since we did not grow up together, or even know each other as children, the family connection is not enough to close the divide between us.
Fast forward to day before yesterday. Stefan Werz. My mother's much younger brother. He was born about a year or so after my maternal Grandfather got release from a Russian war prison - Jan 1950. Someone I have always know as Uncle Stefan. He lives in Germany and I have seldom seen him. But, he is not my uncle. He is not my mother's brother. He is my brother. My brother!!!!!! My Mom had a child out of wedlock. The father was an American soldier, who, at that time in Germany after WWII, were not allowed to marry Germans. Don't have any idea if he would have if he could, but I guess that really doesn't matter. I am in no way passing judgment on my Mom. Life happens. The young women in Germany at that time were desperate. Most of the men their age had been killed in the war. Most people in Germany had little money. The American soldier had money and could take the girls out to dance, to eat, to the movies. My Mom spent her teenage years in the middle of a horrific war. Her father had been in prison for most of it. Her mother did whatever she could to protect and provide for her two children. I just can't imagine where my mind would be if my life had been like that.
My Mom simple could not afford to raise a baby on her own. She was still living at home, but it was difficult. Her father was so angry with her. Her parents offered to raise her boy and adopted him, but my Mom had to leave the house. I don't know how much time Mom spent with her son. By the time she moved to the US with me, Stefan was 7 years old. My mother did not talk about Stefan much, but I had always assumed it was because there was such a big age difference and because she had left Germany so long ago. Her and her brother Walter are only 4 years apart and told stories of him often. And that might still be part of it, but I think she has spent her life feeling guilty and living in shame. Part of the mindset of strict upbringing in a Catholic environment.
I find myself being very upset with my Mom over this. My Dad's situation did not bother me as much. What is really unsettling is that my Mom deliberately chose not to tell me or my sister that we had a brother. It seems that this situation was not a secret with the immediate family in Germany at the time it happen. My Dad has always known that Stefan was Mom's son. For whatever reason, Mom just could not face me and my sister with that knowledge. I find myself thinking that I might have made more effort to stay in touch with Stefan if I had known he was my brother. I have always kept in contact with my Uncle Walter, but for some reason, there was more distance between me and Stefan. I am wondering how he has felt all these years knowing that our Mom did not want me to know who he really was. His youngest son, Sebastian, who I have recently "friended" on Facebook has given Stefan's email to me. I guess I will write him a letter. Or maybe I won't. I do not believe Mom will tell him herself that the secret has been unlocked. And that is sad. Over the years, she has offered to pay my way to Germany for another visit. She has never wanted to go back after she buried her Mom in 1979. Maybe she was hoping that someone over there would tell me who I really was.
In 1982, my Dad told me and my sister about another sister who was born in 1948. Dad married Andrea's mother, but she did not want to be married to Dad and divorced shortly after Andrea was born. Andrea's mother ask Dad not to be a part of their lives, and he agreed to the terms. But Andrea wanted to know who her Dad was, so when she was financially able to hire a private investigator, she located him. A secret for 34 years had been revealed. I keep in casual contact with her, but the relationship is sometimes very strained. We are very different people, and since we did not grow up together, or even know each other as children, the family connection is not enough to close the divide between us.
Fast forward to day before yesterday. Stefan Werz. My mother's much younger brother. He was born about a year or so after my maternal Grandfather got release from a Russian war prison - Jan 1950. Someone I have always know as Uncle Stefan. He lives in Germany and I have seldom seen him. But, he is not my uncle. He is not my mother's brother. He is my brother. My brother!!!!!! My Mom had a child out of wedlock. The father was an American soldier, who, at that time in Germany after WWII, were not allowed to marry Germans. Don't have any idea if he would have if he could, but I guess that really doesn't matter. I am in no way passing judgment on my Mom. Life happens. The young women in Germany at that time were desperate. Most of the men their age had been killed in the war. Most people in Germany had little money. The American soldier had money and could take the girls out to dance, to eat, to the movies. My Mom spent her teenage years in the middle of a horrific war. Her father had been in prison for most of it. Her mother did whatever she could to protect and provide for her two children. I just can't imagine where my mind would be if my life had been like that.
My Mom simple could not afford to raise a baby on her own. She was still living at home, but it was difficult. Her father was so angry with her. Her parents offered to raise her boy and adopted him, but my Mom had to leave the house. I don't know how much time Mom spent with her son. By the time she moved to the US with me, Stefan was 7 years old. My mother did not talk about Stefan much, but I had always assumed it was because there was such a big age difference and because she had left Germany so long ago. Her and her brother Walter are only 4 years apart and told stories of him often. And that might still be part of it, but I think she has spent her life feeling guilty and living in shame. Part of the mindset of strict upbringing in a Catholic environment.
I find myself being very upset with my Mom over this. My Dad's situation did not bother me as much. What is really unsettling is that my Mom deliberately chose not to tell me or my sister that we had a brother. It seems that this situation was not a secret with the immediate family in Germany at the time it happen. My Dad has always known that Stefan was Mom's son. For whatever reason, Mom just could not face me and my sister with that knowledge. I find myself thinking that I might have made more effort to stay in touch with Stefan if I had known he was my brother. I have always kept in contact with my Uncle Walter, but for some reason, there was more distance between me and Stefan. I am wondering how he has felt all these years knowing that our Mom did not want me to know who he really was. His youngest son, Sebastian, who I have recently "friended" on Facebook has given Stefan's email to me. I guess I will write him a letter. Or maybe I won't. I do not believe Mom will tell him herself that the secret has been unlocked. And that is sad. Over the years, she has offered to pay my way to Germany for another visit. She has never wanted to go back after she buried her Mom in 1979. Maybe she was hoping that someone over there would tell me who I really was.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Nature's descruction
A response to an email from a friend last week, who was sending me some information about local efforts for fundraising in Huntsville.
I try not to be overwhelmed by the newscasts of natural disaster events in our world, but the coverage I have seen is heart wrenching. It's scary. I offer my contribution and hope that it is being handled honestly to provide the most that my few dollars can.
I pray for the safety and health of those individuals in the world who choose to leave their families, comfortable homes and clean environments to face the obstacles of, what seems to be me, an unimaginable hardship.
It is during times like this that you realize (although that fades as the headlines do) your life is day to day, and that you should never take for granted the life you do have.
I try not to be overwhelmed by the newscasts of natural disaster events in our world, but the coverage I have seen is heart wrenching. It's scary. I offer my contribution and hope that it is being handled honestly to provide the most that my few dollars can.
I pray for the safety and health of those individuals in the world who choose to leave their families, comfortable homes and clean environments to face the obstacles of, what seems to be me, an unimaginable hardship.
It is during times like this that you realize (although that fades as the headlines do) your life is day to day, and that you should never take for granted the life you do have.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Fighting the blahs & blues
I really do enjoy the Christmas holiday season. For me, it starts a few days after Thanksgiving, depending on how the weekend falls. I am all pumped up. I get my house tip top. I throw a couple of dinner parties so I can bring out my not-so-fine holiday china and try out some new recipes. I get invites to a couple of social events elsewhere, maybe do a holiday home tour, attend a Christmas concert, or go caroling, and shop, shop, shop.
Then it hits me. All that stuff cluttering my house. Just stuff. And then I bring more clutter down from the attic (wrapping paper, assorted boxes, bows). I barely have a walkway at the top of the stairs to my room. And what does it all mean. Nobody I know really needs anything I get them, although I do believe that some of the recipients are pleased with their gift from me. We trade pretty boxes or bags, smile for the camera, and say "thank-you", or "you shouldn't have", or...........you get the drift.
I tell myself often how I should contribute more to our society at large. There are many people who do not have the basics, much less an Ipod. On yes, I give to many charities and causes, but money only. In the past 10 years, I have personally gave of my time only three times. And when I did, it was a great experience and I truely felt I brighten someone's life just a wee bit that day. So why don't I do this more often? Besides being a lazy soul, I don't know why I don't act on more of what I think about. So, instead of admonishing myself for not achieving anything useful in my life, I need to take action. Perhaps then, I will really feel the Christmas spirit and it will be fun again to gather around the tree with loads of presents stacked around it.
Then it hits me. All that stuff cluttering my house. Just stuff. And then I bring more clutter down from the attic (wrapping paper, assorted boxes, bows). I barely have a walkway at the top of the stairs to my room. And what does it all mean. Nobody I know really needs anything I get them, although I do believe that some of the recipients are pleased with their gift from me. We trade pretty boxes or bags, smile for the camera, and say "thank-you", or "you shouldn't have", or...........you get the drift.
I tell myself often how I should contribute more to our society at large. There are many people who do not have the basics, much less an Ipod. On yes, I give to many charities and causes, but money only. In the past 10 years, I have personally gave of my time only three times. And when I did, it was a great experience and I truely felt I brighten someone's life just a wee bit that day. So why don't I do this more often? Besides being a lazy soul, I don't know why I don't act on more of what I think about. So, instead of admonishing myself for not achieving anything useful in my life, I need to take action. Perhaps then, I will really feel the Christmas spirit and it will be fun again to gather around the tree with loads of presents stacked around it.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Not being in control of our lives
This has been a very bleak day. And my sadness can't even meet the level that my niece must be feeling right now. I can't comprehend what she may be thinking, but my heart is breaking for her and my tears won't stop. Today, my niece found out that her baby has spinabifida. More tests next week. The happiest period in her life has darkened. She is fortunate to have a loving, strong husband by her side. All four of the parents are in her corner. Her faith in God is strong, but it is still hard to hear that my dear girl is having to face this challenge. Her life will change forever in ways she may not have ever really considered.
There is nothing I can do for her but love her and Everett O'Neil with all my heart, and to be there for them if they ever need me to be. I can never give them enough hugs. I love you Mandy.
There is nothing I can do for her but love her and Everett O'Neil with all my heart, and to be there for them if they ever need me to be. I can never give them enough hugs. I love you Mandy.
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